Internal Landscape

I want a great perhaps

but instead I feel in this time lapse

In my internal landscape I lost the maps

Everything is perfect before existence,

No flaws without execution

I imagine songs never sung

Stories never spun

A spark never lit

I’ll create the most beautiful dream in the world and then never fulfil it

I see it sometimes

See it in things that matter

See it in paint splatter

See it in music, it moves

I can’t see it in this air,

Can’t see it in the eyes of leaders who can not lead and people who do not care

You think I’m slow, there’s a whole universe in here you know,

Planets and stars and places nothing like earth

Black holes that sap self-worth

Mountains that are mood, forests that are feeling

The sights you would see, would have you reeling

Out there in space the words they spin, my words

But when I speak, if I speak

If I muster that courage, it’s a mere leak

No cascading waterfall, more like a drip through a stonewall

I want to construct palaces to the miracle that is languages

Instead there are only shadows of monuments built inside.

And they say it’s easy, well they lied.

Each word a brick carefully laid,

Plaster carefully made

Conversation is a bridge I can’t cross,

Small talk a world where I get lost.

Words must first struggle through fog

Fearless travelers wading through bog

Intrepid adventurers struggling through the elements

No welcome return but a reception of nonsense.

Inching closer and closer till they reach me

Even then like a blinkered carthorse I can’t see properly

Hear the words, hear the sounds

But it’s a mere collection of consonants and vowels.

I want to scream and shout, I want someone to know about

Know about what? Know about what?

That I listen but sometimes it doesn’t make sense

This existence, this present tense.

I just don’t know

And yet I don’t give much credit to the known,

It is a path walked when it could have been flown

More for the could be, the should be.

I don’t care about the real I care about the beautiful

What can be touched can be broken,

What can be thought can’t always be spoken.

It's more than that.

It’s more than that

Or something else entirely

Beyond the reaches of language

Its skims the surface between mind and all else

Its sends ripples expanding

Outwards like a pond

Lapping the shores of reality

Like my thoughts are touching the outside world

Slender fingers, extra sensory, stroking

The fine hair point tips of emotion

Like the crests and peaks of waves

Rising and falling

Every now and then for less than one moment

They barely gently slightly alight

On the edges of all

And then they slip back,

A residue of everything clinging to them,

A speck of all balancing on their corners

And it settles and flows through me

Thoughts rise and fall

And even then words evade me.

Because its more than that. 

My voice

 

I want to give you my voice,

Words crafted

In a meticulous fashion

Somehow simultaneously spontaneous

To give you the urgency of purpose

Do not deny purpose its urgency

It makes it

I want to give you words,

Words not yet invented

If the perfection needed for the intent is absent

Words that encompass intention

That can not but be meant for anything

Than what they are meant

This is my voice

Words in your head

I want to give you my voice

I want it to surpass a mere collection of letters interpreted into sound

This is my voice, can you hear it? 

I gave

I gave you stories never spun,

Wove cloaks never worn

Belief in causes never cared for and

Gods never born

I gave

Composed you songs never played

Laughter never erupted

Idols never worshipped

Tastes that never bursted

I gave

Treasures never discovered

Adventures never taken

Ships never set sail

I gave

Everything I didn’t have

Everything I would never have

Dreams never dreamt in the fold of sleep

Tears never wept in the pit of despair

A heart never won

No masterpieces

I gave you none

For you existed only in my imagination

Now

There is TOO much

How can we think in isolation?

Prioritise and organise?

Segregate and separate?

When I see

ALL

We talk like our brains are machines and

Emotions products

That they easily pass through on conveyor belts

A temporary presence with an end result

Well then there’s too much oil in these cogs,

They turn and turn

They come back and back without reason

It pumps out more and more and does not stop

Unless you flick the switch

But then I miss

The pace

The never-ending

Ever-lasting

Flow

The limitless lustre of life

Swept away

Held in a sway,

Caught up,

Held captive

By creation

Too much BUT now

Now…

Now……………………

Watery Truths

The intimacy you create is suffocating

I hold back, I spin

I take the wheel

Without letting you know

Its like you’ve opened floodgates,

I let your waters surge

Being careful, so careful

But slowly, slowly

You stir me

And you have me

But still my truths are tainted

And maybe your honesty frightens us both

We let it inhabit every space in the room

Its presence is suffocating

Things as always have changed again

My tenuos, trembling, tainted truths,

Threaten to shatter what went before

Like all good relationships,

Ours never stays still

Like water, mutable and morphing

Changing into the shape of its surroundings. 

The Garden

A tee-pee leans haphazardly

In the middle of scraggly grass

Covered in faded material

Like a hung-over rainbow

Scraps lie limp and forlorn tied to the branches

Guinea-pigs squeal from a giant tractor tyre

Chasing each other at the noise of footsteps and voices

Holes everywhere dug by a bored dog

A rusted saw and heavy crowbar

And a giant net to scramble up hangs from a collapsing tree

Who says you need to play with dolls?